...and as i took that fifth hit off of the tightly rolled, cone-shaped joint, he said "Man, i always have to remind myself that what i'm doing is illegal. The Man should /not/ dictate what i put into my body, i am /my own/ buisness." The high hit me right then. i looked out the window to see a car pulling away from the curb, i thought about how i should pull away. He was right - the Man shouldn't dictate what i do myself. i should. i cant be the person i used to be anymore. Leaving home for three months was the best thing that has happened to me. Time was fading in and out - had it been an hour or five minutes since i stopped listening? or a year? or two years? He said "You havent been talking or answering me, are you okay?" i replied "i am thinking and i'm stoned." He put on Kids In The Hall, and i curled into a tight ball and went into my own world.

Had i /really/ put up with this bullshit for the past few years? All he talked about was his ounce of Northern Lights, his new bong invention, and could i drive him this way and that? i was afraid that when he came home, he would either be a changed, mature young man, or he would be his old self to the extremes. The latter came true. And since i am no longer the person i used to be, i can't put up with it any more. Keren pointed out to me something that i have been trying to tell myself for a long time, and that is you can't save anybody. i no longer have a desire to do that. Not everybody can be happy.

Now on to the part of my diary where i talk about my day as though none of this wonderful, self-realizing high happened. Earlier today i went to see The Royal Tennenbaums (did i spell that right?) with Laura, Adam, Anne, and Scott. Still havent decided what i thought about the movie. around 7.30 i went to Ladro and met up with Keren, Andrea, and Rebecca. Everyone has come home today, or they are coming home later tonight, so i saw a good share of the old Northwest folk. i also smoked waaaay too many cigarettes, drank waaaay too much coffee, and managed to get carsick when we pulled away from Ladro to meet TK at B&O. (by the way, Scott found his way to Ladro by the time we left.) Keren, Scott, TK and i hung out for about an hour? at B&O, Keren drove us back to her house, and then i took Scott home from there. We talked about Camus and realizations and had quite a lovely little talk. After i dropped him off, i knocked on Andreas's window to deliver an xmas gift. i'm sure he was at least a little bit suprised to see me there. i wound up staying for a bit, by my intrusive valition. it was pleasant, but of course there was a... i dont know... not an amnosity but some barrier between our conversations, as if we were talking at a wall and it was bouncing back polite responses. if that makes sense.